Monday, May 9, 2011

The Next Right Thing

My day starts with movement. I wake up early and put everything I have into that first step of getting up out of bed. I know that if I can do that right after the alarm goes off and resist the urge to lie back down, I will keep going. From the bed to the coffeemaker. From the coffeemaker to the push-ups and the sun salutations. From there to the bike and the ride to the morning meeting. Once all that happens, the rest of the day flows like a river. Don't think, just move. Right now it is all about momentum, so really it is all about the first push.

Ahh, but in order to get that first push, I have to ask for help. Although every time I do, I get it. Call it the God of Early Mornings. My contact with a force stronger than me is what is keeping me moving and taking action right now.

And I just want to say thank You.

Thank you.

Thank you.

"Verily, we have granted to you O Mr Moose an Alarm
that you may turn to it and be awakened,
shutting it not off nor allowing thyself to snooze -
now leave thy bed and partake of thy morning elixir!"

(Surah al-Gauawah)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Let's start over, okay?

My name is Mr Moose and I'm an al - well, let's not dwell on what I am or what I am not. The important thing is that after tearing my life down to the ground, reconstruction has finally begun! I'm setting the foundation right now (oops - was I supposed to stub out the plumbing first? Somebody get the goddamn foreman on the phone), and it's a totally new design for my life. I'm slowly becoming the person I always wanted to be. Granted, I didn't think this would be how it happened, but these days I can vouch for neither the accuracy nor the usefulness of my plans and my various bright ideas.

It all comes down to the Commitment to act on behalf of my best interests. It was my behavior that got me here (in a recovery house in a town down by the sea) and it is up to me to change that behavior in order to get myself out of here and into where I want to be (in a house with my wife in a town up in the hills). My family helped me see that - that I am free. I don't have to wait for anything or anyone else to save me. I don't have to live like I lived before.

Oh, what do I mean by that, you ask? Depressed, stressed out, isolated, unhappy, hopeless, run by negative thoughts and a brain that told me I was a piece of human garbage. I was on the way to an early death and I didn't even know it. As Raymond Carver said, "And that sweet light I spoke of? That's gone too." Cheery, huh?

Today I have nothing and I have everything. Today I have my whole life ahead of me. It is fucking unbelievable.

It's also fairly simple. All I have to do today is:

1. Meet an outpatient counselor for an intake interview
2. Go to a farmers market for the week's food
3. Write some more on my "homework"
4. Go see my new therapist for my first session
5. Come home safe and sound

I will now be shutting off my thinking-mind and going about the business of living.

-end transmission-