The Happy Virus

Why isn't there a Happy Virus? Someone coming back from Mexico or Bali brings a case of acute happiness with them and when they get off the plane they sneeze on someone else and that person gets dangerously happy within a matter of hours. Is that too much to ask? Or maybe somebody is really good at balancing their checkbook and they cough on me and the next day I'm really good at balancing my checkbook. Although that virus has probably mutated already and the new strain would make me a whiz with Quicken. But the point is, why do all these viruses have to be such assholes? Where can I catch the Motivation Flu? Where can I contract Sever Acute Realization Syndrome (first symptom: everything makes perfect sense)? I'd even settle for a flu which makes my hair grow back or a flu which only attacks the fatty deposits on the sides of my stomach ("aggressive lovehandlia depletion syndrome"). But no, I have to settle for Swine Flu. Swine Flu! Even the name is insulting. Not Porcine Flu, which sounds kind of classy, but Swine. Everything about these viruses is annoying. Also, viruses attack and kill their hosts. How rude is that? You come into my home, slap me around, eat all my food, and then you kill me and burn the house down? Why would you do that? I was going to make espresso....